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March 21st, 2005
10:57 pm - I've Packed My Shit
Bill-O-Philes,
It's been too damn long. I've packed up my internet shit and I'm starting a new web thing over on Blogger. I know, I know...it's what the pussies who don't know dick about computers do.
Well guess what? I don't know much about this technology. I only know I don't have to leave a blood sample and get my GED all over again just to post something on this thing. Did you know that a month or so ago I tried to post something riveting about my time in Korea?
Thing is, something from Live Journal flashed, I fell of my chair, bit my tongue and shit my drawers something fierce.
I've had it with LJ, as you like to say.
So, if you've got the scrot, come stop by and see your ol' buddy Bill at www.billtabernacle.blogspot.com.
See? I can't even make the words turn into a clicky thing for you assholes to come visit me.
Eat paste, Live Journal.
Your lovin',
Bill Tabernacle
Current Mood:  pissed off
Current Music: I don't hear any music. How does this thing work?
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October 21st, 2004
10:09 am - Getting All Political On Your Ass
Bottom of the morning to you, C.U.N.T.s (Citizens Under Nation Tabernacle)
I'm not very good at updating this webpage thing. I don't know why that is. It could be that as I'm getting along in my years I realize that every day is precious. I'm thinking that maybe I should try and reconnect with my family, get to know my grandchildren, and maybe try and do something to better myself before I go to that big Live Journal in the sky.
Then reality hits.
I don't give a shit anymore. Seriously. If you would've told me decades ago that at age 60-something (I forget) I would be a goddamn bartender's assistant in some shitty sports bar, making next to nothing, getting into fights with hobos, and spending a little time every once in a while jumping onto the internet in the hopes of seeing some muff...well, I think I would've ended it long ago.
I was in the Korean War for crissakes. I don't need this shit.
Anyway, I'm here to talk to you about voting. Before you groan and say: "Oh, Bill. MTV is on my nutsack to vote, not you too???"
No, fuckshit. Not me too.
I'm here today to tell you not to vote. Seriously. It's a waste of goddamn time. If you actually think your little vote is going to make a lick of difference, then you are in severe denial. This country wants you to BELIEVE that you've got a say in who runs our shitbox country, but I'll tell you what:
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING.
Go ahead. Vote and then a month or two after our president (newly elected or otherwise) sits his ass in the White House, have a nice phone conversation with him. Get a one-on-one with the president and ask him how he's coming along with all of those things he promised you during the election year.
What? You can't talk to the president? How come?
Interesting. Well, there's always the media. They'll give you all the info you'd ever need. There's no bias there, right? Oh...wait.
I know I'm a vet and I should be a flag-waving asshole like the rest of those old, deluded dicks I fought with, but the truth is...I ain't buying it. Not one goddamn bit of it. I think this country needs a check-up from the neck-up.
Before I get e-mails saying 'Love it or leave it' or 'How dare you!' or any of that happy horseshit, let me explain:
I like living here. I mean, yeah...my health benefits are non-existant, the social security check isn't worth piss, but hey...at least I can come and go as I please right?
Ah...what's the point. Just know that when November 2 rolls around, I plan on taking a giant dump, reading the paper and thinking of all you goofy assholes out there 'deciding' who's going to run our country. Guess what, shits...
You ain't deciding dick.
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September 24th, 2004
12:31 am - So There's This Douchebag on LiveJournal
Dicks,
There's this punk on LiveJournal. His handle is: _the_curse.
Yeah, real scary. Check out his dumb LiveJournal. One minute he spouts off about how much he loves his girlfriend and his 'wicked cool' friends. The next, he drops posts like this:
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Current mood: MORE THAN ENRAGED
Current music: SLIPKNOT - MY PLAGUE
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU ALL I CANT WAIT UNTIL YOU ALL MOTHER FUCKING DIE, DIE DIE, DIE!!!!!!! YOU CAN ALL GO FUCK OFF ESPECIALLY DANIEL YOU MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT I SWEAR I AM GOING TO SMASH YOUR HEAD INTO THE MOTHER FUCKING WALL. I HATE YOU I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND I WILL LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT, JUST DONT FUCKING TALK TO ME I WONT TALK TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD BYE FUCKERS
OH YEAH AND TODAY WAS okay i fucking guess BUT I DONT GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE
JUST FUCK IT AND FUCK YOU!
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To which I responded with:
From: bill_tabernacle
Subject: Hilarious!
Message:
bill_tabernacle
2004-09-23 22:30 (link)
Comment Posted Successfully
Moonface,
You never disappoint with your crybaby/toughguy posts. It's amazing that anyone ever bothers with you anymore. I would think your girlfriend would see you for the unstable wimp you are and unload you like a dirty diaper.
You think being a kid is hard? Shit. You ain't seen nothing yet, you little homo.
Your friend,
Bill Tabernacle
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I had to repost it here for your enjoyment, because as tough as he is (FUCK FUCKIN' FUCK!) he can't seem to handle commentary from ol' Bill. I imagine I'll be banned again, but why not pay him a visit and drop a comment in his journal.
Be careful, though. He's liable to go off. Especially if your name is Daniel.
Fuck this. I'm going to bed.
'Night,
Bill Tabernacle
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September 12th, 2004
11:56 pm - Another Hobo. Another Fight.
Shits,
I don't know what it is about homeless people and I getting into fights. I think the sonsabitches resent me for working and lining my pockets with a few extra dollars. Maybe it's because of that one guy I kicked the shit out of when I had to sleep in the park that one time.
Not sure.
But, I was working at the bar last night and I was tired. It was 2:30am and there were still some fucking smart-asses in there nursing two pitchers of beer. Normally, we're out of there by 2:15, tops...but these assholes were in no hurry to get the fuck out.
Well, I wanted to get home and get some shuteye, maybe have a Hot Pocket before I hit the hay. So, I decided to get the garbage out into the dumpters so we didn't have to fuck around once these ball-sniffs decided it was time to leave. As I dragged the bottle filled barrel to the back hallway, I could only wish they'd wrap their BMWs around a telephone pole and lay dying in a puddle of their own blood and piss.
Hey...you gotta have dreams.
As I'm bringing the bottles out, some bearded clown in a 'No Problem Mon' yellow t-shirt is rooting around in the trash dumpster. His ass was handing over the edge, his filthy sneakers trying to boost him up even higher over the dumpster wall.
"Hey," I yelled, not in the mood. "Get your ass out of that shitbox. I got work to do."
"I'm trying to get a sandwich," the long-lost brother of Grizzly Adams yelled back, making no move to get out. "You can wait."
Well, no...I couldn't. Without waiting for this guy to piss me off even more, I pulled the bag of bottles out, tied it off and heaved it up. Usually, this would aggravate the shit out of my back and my trick knee, but I didn't care. This guy was enemy number one in my book.
I swung the bag up and caught him with about 30 pounds worth of bottles, right in the shitter. He grunted and went over the edge, landing in the bags of filth we throw out every night. Fuck him. Serves him right.
For added fun, I picked the bag back up and tossed it in after him. I could hear him cry out as a couple of the bottles broke over his dumb homeless head.
"How's that sandwich now, fucknose?" I wiped my hand and was about to head back in through the back door when he reared his head and tossed an empty bottle at me. He was lucky it hit the ground and broke at my feet, but it was still enough to piss me off. I ran over to the dumpster, grabbed him by his stupid t-shirt with one hand and his beard with the other and pulled his sorry carcass out of there. He landed in a puddle of dumpster juice, which probably improved his smell. His head smack against the ground, but still he got up like he was going to take me out.
I was in the Korean War for crissakes...
He swung and his me in the breadbasket, but I was quick and popped him in the mush twice with my right hand and shoved him back down to the ground. Just like that, the fight was over. He got up, scrambled away and I tossed a bottle toward him for good measure.
Now I've got a bruise on my chest and my hands stink like homeless man filth. I hope whatever cardboard box he's living in starts on fire.
Fucking guy.
Still Got It,
Bill Tabernacle
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September 6th, 2004
11:38 am - Months Late...Dollars Short
Hello Bill-philes,
It's your old (old as shit, I mean) pal Bill Tabernacle back to say hello.
Well, it's been a while. I actually had one person (ONE) say that they missed me while I was away. Real nice. I'd thank that person, but they were anonymous, so I'm doubly fucked.
Where have I been? What have I been up to?
Well, it's the shits, but here goes:
After I got that fat, dead college kid's wallet, I realized I needed to do something with my life. So, I took all my money (kid's money, same shit) and got myself set up in a new apartment. I was able to get a decent place (away from that fucking Quong Korean kid I was shacking up with) and I went out to look for a job. I ended up landing a gig at a bar not far from my apartment. I'm a goddamn busboy. How do you like that shit?
Well, I realized that there was something missing out of my life, so I turned to Jesus. Through his scriptures and teachings, I feel as though I'm born again. Now, I wake up with a smile on my face and I read the bible every chance I get. It's great to be able to look up at our Lord and realize he's good and wants only good things for me. I got to Mass every Sunday and I'm thinking about joining the choir.
Sorry. I can't fucking lie anymore. I didn't find Jesus and he doesn't give a shit about me. Everything else is true, though. I swear.
Also, with some of the money I had left over, I got my self a discount piece of ass. Seriously. No one wants anything to do with an old, crabby Korean War vet, but when you wave 30 bucks under someone's nose (especially a whore's) you suddenly become much more attractive.
I didn't think my cock still worked, but guess what? It does.
So...sorry for the delays. I'll try and stay more currents with all you sonsabitches. It's just hard when you're so career-minded and spiritual (there I go lying again) like me.
Let me know you're still out there, you jackasses. Send me some filth at least!
Never stopping,
Bill Tabernacle
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June 27th, 2004
02:22 am - How To Make Horseshit
5 parts joy? Are they goddamn kidding me?
The only joy I've had lately is getting that dead fat kid's wallet. More on that later. Let's just say this...
Old Billy is getting laid.
| How to make a bill_tabernacle |
Ingredients:
3 parts intelligence
3 parts crazyiness
5 parts joy |
Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of wisdom |
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June 18th, 2004
09:36 am - It Was My Lucky Day
Friends / Enemies (same shit),
I've seen some horrors in my day. Being in the shit and the piss during the Korean War opened my eyes to all sorts of atrocities. I've seen my buddies carrying blown off arms, sergeants with parts of their skull shattered, even saw ol' Murphy take a bayonet in the ball-bag.
But what I saw yesterday was right up there.
I was minding my own business, looking for some place to get a nice Reuben sandwich on campus. Quong was nice enough to have dropped me off on his way to classes. Since I'd never been to the college before, I thought I'd take a look around...you know, see what the fuck was up.
As I came to an interection, I noticed a chubby dude crossing the street. He hadn't noticed that the light had changed and was stuffing fries in his mouth as he was glancing at something attached to his waist. I think it was one of those goddamn step-o-meters that McDonald's sells with their new Adult Crappy Meals. Those assholes. Suddenly, their filthy burgers aren't cutting it anymore and they're trying to act like their the fucking one-stop-shop for everything healthy.
Anyway, he must've been counting his 'steps' and he took his last, fatal step off the curb.
A goddamn city bus, or what I like to call a 'bad neighborhood on wheels' plowed into the poor son of a bitch like he was made of toilet tissue. He got hit so hard, it launched him right out of his shoes. Fries exploded from the Super-sized box and landed everywhere. The bus slammed on the brakes (moments too late) as the tub of goo landed on the concrete. It sounded like someone bitch-slapped the street with a porkchop. Something like that.
His fucking step-o-meter flew off of his size 56 belt and broke into a bunch of little shitty plastic pieces.
That wasn't the worst of it. No sooner had the bus stopped, but one of those ridiculous Hummer trucks came roaring around from behind the bus. Guess he didn't know there was a Fatty Arbuckle down and was pissed that he had to go around. So, in typical dickhead fashion, he tore around the bus doing like 60 mph. The driver turned to give the bus driver the stinkeye and hit the downed food dumpster with terrible force.
The wheel drove over his bloated stomach and I could see blood shoot out of his ears and mouth like he was vomiting. Chunks of fries, you name it. It was horrible.
I turned away and something landed with a soft 'fap' next to my feet. I looked down and saw that a wallet sat nicely folded by my size 11s. Somehow, the force of this poor dick getting hit by the car had made his billfold fly out where it found it's way to me.
Suddenly, I didn't give a shit about the accident. The wallet was loaded with $100 bills. I don't know if this poor bastard was on his way to pay for his tuition or maybe a down-payment on a car, but I took advantage of the situation. I high-stepped it off of campus and no one was the wiser.
Moral of the story? Some fellows are lucky and some ain't. I consider yesterday a blessing in disguise. With my new-found wealth, I think I'm going to move out of my bullshit apartment with Quong and get set up somewhere nice.
Fuck. I deserve it.
Whistling Dixie,
Bill Tabernacle
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June 14th, 2004
11:33 pm - Plant Him, Already
Bill-i-philes,
Not sure if you heard, but that old prick Reagan kicked off about a week or two ago. Sorry I'm not up on the latest in current events, but I happened to see something on the news the other day. It said something like 'Reagans Final Journey to Washington' or some shit.
I didn't see old raisin face, only a casket. When I saw that old cooze with the big glasses shaking like a epileptic monkey, I figured it was Nancy mourning her stupid, dead husband.
What a load of shit.
It's pretty sad, folks. Ol' Bill thinks it's pretty sad that we hold some of these human wastes up so high, like they're better than any of us. The most attention my funeral will get is MAYBE the hearse will go through a red light. But for Reagan? Jesus Christ, his rotten carcass has made a world tour and tied up the television with a blow-by-blow of where they're carting him off next. What's so great about that?
Plus, it fucks with my programming.
I can't imagine what the inside of that goddamn box smells like. Probably something along the line of my 2nd wife Elaine's snatch after she's been gardening in July on a heavy flow day.
I could be wrong, though.
All I could think about was "Put the poor son of a bitch in the ground already." He's had enough. And quite honestly, I've had enough of all the media bullshit. Must've been a slow news week if they've gotta cover his corpse's tour.
Sometimes I hate this country,
Bill Tabernacle
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May 18th, 2004
10:43 am - My Roommate Is Fucked.
Bill-a-philes,
I told you about the Korean roommate I'm living with temporarily, right? I think I did. His name is Quong and he saw me looking through a newspaper down at Bonnie's Cafe. I was flipping through the want-ads, trying to find a place to live since all of my shit had been tossed out of my apartment to make room for the butt-slammers who took my place.
Why did I ever think walking to California to lose the pigs was a good idea? In case you hadn't been keeping up: it wasn't.
I saw him tack up a green piece of paper on the bulletin board. 'Room 4 Rent' it said. Without fucking around, I went up to him as he left with his armload of papers and a stapler.
"Hey kid," I said. "What's the deal with the room?"
"You need a prace to stay?" He had these thick glasses on that magnified his already squinty eyes.
"What of it? I was in the..." I stopped myself. If I told him I was in the Korean War, goddamit, he probably would've given me a good cock-punching. I needed that like I needed three more assholes.
"Room, $150 a month," he replied, not seeming to notice that I trailed off. "No deposit. No drugs."
Fucking sold. I've got a few dollars squirreled away for my retirement (ha! that shit'll never happen!) and I made arrangements to meet up with him and have a look at the place.
What a shithole.
Rotten wood floors, community bathroom, a tiny closet of a room (doesn't matter, I lost my bed anyway), a 'living room' that had an old card table and one folding chair in it. The place was so small that if you ordered a large pizza, you'd have to eat it outside.
We're talking small, dicks.
"I'll take it," I said, reminding myself that this was only temporary. Once I get the dream job or strike it rich as a advice columnist...I'm moving the fuck out. Besides, the place was over near the college campus, so I'm sure there'll be plenty of stupid students and such running around.
We went through all the particulars and the different rules I had to follow to live in the place. I don't want to get into them now because I'm busy and honestly, I couldn't understand word one from the kid. Sounded like a bunch of beeps and whistles.
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Anyway, here I am, weeks later minding my own business, when I come across a file in his computer. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything so horrible in my life.
I double-clicked on it and it shows a big fat German guy without pants. Horrifying enough on it's own, I know. It was a video and while I was trying to figure out how to make it go away, he squatted. The camera moved down to a naked broad with a big witch nose and a muff you could lose your car keys in.
The German grunted, said something like "Gudendag" and proceeded to produce the longest, thickest turd I've ever seen. It dangled from his horrible sphincter and to my horror, the bitch below him opened her mouth wide as if showing the doctor her tonsils.
Bullseye. With one swift move, the woman caught the meaty turd in her mouth as if SHE WANTED TO EAT IT!!!
A couple extra chunks of brown rained from his strained buttocks, peppering her face with the awful, horrible feces. I threw up in my mouth and covered it with my hand. No luck. A geyser of vomit streamed out and hit the screen. I couldn't look away quick enough, but was horrified to see the stupid kraut bitch CHEWING on the turd!!!
Unbelievable.
Fucking Quong. I knew those Koreans were shifty.
Needless to say, I want to move out of this shitbox.
Sick as fuck,
Bill Tabernacle
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May 14th, 2004
03:52 pm - Get the SARS Already.
Bill here,
I'll make it brief, but I dislike about 85% of the population. That's a big improvement over last year when it was 93%.
Did you ever wish things like the SARS epidemic would really take off? I do. I wish it would sweep down and wipe the world clean of the human filth. Anyway, I'm supposed to meet up with Murray tonight and maybe have a drink down at Sudsy's. We haven't gotten together for a long time.
I'm dying to know how many times he's tagged this Heather broad he keeps jawing about.
My roommate is Korean and though I blasted at least 20 of his kind back in the Korean War, he's not a bad kid. He watches a lot of really corny cartoons though. I just wished he could get the Weather Channel on his tube.
Oh well. Like some British big-lipped faggot once said: 'You can't always get what you want. But sometimes, you get it anyway.'
Something like that.
Please expire,
Bill Tabernacle
BTW - Johnny the Hobo. Yeah, that's right motherfucker. Now I know your name. I'm coming down to the park to set your cardboard box/house on fire. I only pray you're in it when it happens.
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